Your partner is threatening to leave you unless you go to couples therapy. Does the idea of therapy bring you heavy anxiety?
Whether they’re saying you’re a narcissist (actually quite rare) or that you have narcissistic traits (quite common), there’s a good chance it might feel very scary to open up to a stranger while listening to your partner lay blame on you.
A therapist’s job is to:
1. Help you contain this anxiety
2. Hold space for your vulnerability
3. Provide a framework which facilitates healing
It’s very important to take it slowly and to process smaller bits of information in a structured way. Let me explain the components of our work together so you can get an idea about what to expect.
Forming an alliance
We begin by listening to the different parts of you: the one that’s so tired of all the chaos and wants change – and the other that’s very anxious about working on change. You might feel resistance and mistrust when somebody is trying to take care of you; that’s rooted in the fact that you likely never had a functional parent who was truly there for you in the ways good parents are. Hopefully the idea that your therapist really does want the best for you will start to sink in.
The therapist’s job is to tell you the truth.
If something is good, they’ll take notice that and say something positive. If something is off, they’ll tell you and invite you to take a step back and reevaluate it.
The anxiety you’ll feel in the process is typically the result of trauma you went through and not simply because the therapist is calling something out. You’ll learn how to monitor your anxiety levels by observing your body and communicating if the work is too fast for you. This feedback is crucial for letting the therapist adjust their pace accordingly. You’ll eventually learn how to let the feeling of having an ally who’s cooperating with and guiding you reach the depths of your being. It’s like a benevolent guide you never had, someone that truly listens to your vulnerability and and acts in your best interest by providing insight and practical cognitive tools.
Understanding the origins of the problem
When you feel ready, an important step is to explore your childhood. If you didn’t have any positive role models it’s nearly impossibly to innately develop the skills needed for a happy relationship. As a kid you probably experienced extreme amounts of pain caused by toxic parenting (all those self-esteem crashes, rejections, feelings of inferiority, etc.) and developed maladaptive defenses. They somewhat protected you from that pain – and we honor that! – yet, now we need to work together to discover how they interfere with your relationship. At times the trauma can vary. You were neglected, left on your own to deal with life, you weren’t given boundaries and unfortunately without them still act like that entitled 3-year old child.
It’s also important for the partner to witness this work. We work on their capacity for empathy which, in turn, helps them as well to not feel so affected, to not take things so personally and respond more effectively. This is an integral part of couples therapy.
Working on reducing feelings of shame
Shame is one of the most painful feelings one can experience. The amount of shame you feel is much higher than in average person. At first, you might not even be aware of it – you simply treat if with perfectionism and you hold on to the idea that nothing’s wrong with you. Shame feels bad, grandiosity feels great and you’re not in pain. Just pay attention to what happens in your body and you’ll see what I mean. This makes it challenging to effectively respond to your partner’s complaints and as a result, they end up in extreme pain. Very slowly, we make room for your feelings of shame and provide an alternative: an ordinary remorse.
Let me talk a bit about the difference between shame and remorse from a standpoint of two children who experienced two different types of parenting. The first kid was in a super toxic family and any time their parents wanted to see a change in their behavior they shamed the kid – this whole little person – not just one specific behaviour. The change was often very quick and complete but came with the extreme cost of trauma. The parents were preoccupied with the image and treated the kid as an extension of themselves, punishing separation and/or any deviation from the image.
The second kid was raised in a healthier family. When they did something wrong and the parents wanted to discipline them, it was handled in a gentle way without shaming. They pointed out how that specific behavior is wrong, dangerous, harmful to others, etc.. Of course, this often requires repetition, for example have to repeat things like: “please turn off the light in the room after leaving it”. These parents try their best to work on this with as much patience as they can muster. The kid gets to maintain a good self-image and they’re OK; they’re just a little kid that’s still learning everything about the world around them. That’s the message they get from such parents. When they do something wrong they don’t feel much shame, rather, they feel remorse and are able to eventually correct the behaviour. You get the idea.
Let’s help you differentiate between these two feelings. Let’s talk about what happens when you feel these and pinpoint what the difference is:
– How do they feel in your body?
– What is the effect on your relationship?
Shame makes you feel frozen or superior and as a result, very disconnected. However, remorse makes you react quickly and effectively. With time you’ll feel way less shame and more remorse when faced with negative feedback. This reduces the sensitivity to others’ perceptions of you tremendously and lets you be able to face the truth. After you master that, you’ll feel even less remorse because your behaviour will be more joy-centered and your partner will be less inclined to complain. You’ll feel much better and will feel proud that you can make your partner happy.
Helping you expressing your emotions and needs without blame and control
I’ll be coaching you with this. You can certainly learn new ways of speaking about your emotions and needs without blame and need to control. You never felt safe with expressing your vulnerability because your parents reacted with extreme negativity, and brutal cliches like “boys don’t cry” and so on. They blamed. You blame too. Let’s look together into how you can alter this pattern.
I’m reminded of a classic psychology book entitled “I’m OK, you’re OK” by Thomas Harris which explores negative ways of thinking people have about others and themselves:
– I’m OK, you’re not OK
– I’m not OK, you’re OK
– I’m not OK and you’re not OK
These are examples of negative relational stances because they are based in blame, superiority and inferiority. The better alternative, as implied by the book title, is to learn to accept one another by taking external circumstances into consideration.
All of the strategies I’ve discussed so far can help you develop the stance formulated in the title of the book. It’s OK to be longing for love, to be vulnerable and to ask for help.
Practicing deeper listening
A key step involves managing your emotions and reactions in order to access curiosity about what’s different from your point of view. For example, imagine deciding to listen deeply. You take a piece of paper and anytime you feel like you want to react or defend yourself while listening, you say: “please give me a moment to write this down”, without saying what it is. You remind yourself you’ll be able to speak when it’s your turn. You stop and try to access your curiosity and think up good questions.
You request slowing down while working on transforming your shame into remorse. Sometimes it’s not even about you and that’s OK. You speak about it when it’s your turn.
Empathy, flexibility and kindness skills: Crucial components of relational joy
Empathy is a learnable skill! It helps if you remind yourself that you don’t have to agree with what you’re hearing. Instead, you kindly try to understand why some feelings makes sense for your partner; they had a different family and they formed in a different way than you. Their feelings are real, just like yours. Acknowledge them and ask the magic question:
What’s the best we can do with these differences as members of the same team?
Let’s find that sweet spot of flexibility that feels right.
Finding courage pays off
I really hope this roadmap reduces your anxiety regarding couples therapy. Now that you know the basic structure, you know what to expect and what to hope for. The process requires a great deal of courage but at the end you get to experience truer connection and joy. Caring becomes satisfaction and not a burden.
In my life, I’ve had a lot of experience with people with narcissism/narcissistic traits and have a lot of empathy for those who struggle with this. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to ask for what you want and for what you need.
