How do you go from a disagreement – such as a difference of opinion or preference – to an agreement? Namely, a mutually agreed upon course of action while fostering a sense of security and respect?
This is a vital skill in any relationship and an essential part of the ethics in ethical non-monogamy.
Here are some tips:
1. Know what you want. Have the courage to speak and listen
Take a moment to reflect on what you think, feel, believe, and prefer:
- Is it actually in accordance with your values?
- Is it realistic?
Notice that different parts of you might want exactly the opposite: one part of you might want some kind of autonomy while the other part of you wants to protect your partner from hard feelings. Or, the intellectual part of you that reflects your values is having different ideas than the emotional part that’s not quite healed from past traumas and is experiencing difficult feelings.
Talking to your partner about what the different parts of YOU want is a good way to start this conversation. It signals the ability to reflect and invites your partner to potentially help you process things simply by asking good questions.
At this point I recommend reading my previous articles about emotional safety, Part 1 and Part 2.
When you first begin, it’s helpful to say:
We’re not making an agreement today, we’re going to share our inner worlds, reflect on what we heard, then we can go on to the second round of conversation.
Normalize taking breaks for grounding and processing. You may end up with many more discussions but if you navigate them succesfully and with integrity, it brings an immense sense of connection that can last for a lifetime. Don’t forget: honesty needs to be rewarded during these heart-to-heart sessions. Fostering your partners’ openness and willingness to share will go a long way to building lasting goodwill.
2. Figure out the best you all can manage with these differences – for now…
In practical terms, this means inviting a collaborative spirit and flexibility. Get creative and discuss many different scenarios. This also helps avoid loopholes! Think of the agreement you’re trying to create as a best temporary experiment you can make based on what you’ve heard from each other. Decide that you’ll learn from it and revise it if the need arises.
Define some general goals like: transparency / predictability / effort / healing / resilience/ flexibility.
However, it’s also important to accept some discomfort as that can sometimes be necessary for growth.
If you want to explore an open relationship and one partner is experiencing jealousy, take a closer look into as many aspects of it as possible. Decide if you’re going to slow down with exploring the possibility of other relationships – or if the jealous person is going to work on managing their emotions while you proceed with caution with your baby steps. Remind yourself it’s a temporary agreement that can be revised later.
It’s crucial to make the agreement explicit and not just expect your partner will do exactly what you want simply based on the conversation. Stating your preferences, requests, complaints, emotional triggers, expectations and/or making heavy sighs is not enough. Talk about unspoken agreements characteristic of the culture you grew up in and make sure you’re on the same page when talking about concepts such as love, family, trust, fidelity, cheating, betrayal, etc.. Write the agreement down if necessary.
3. Treat everything as a process that is not always perfect. Cultivate good repair skills.
If your experiment didn’t go as planned, try to make a good repair. Take an honest look what went wrong: maybe you were too conflict avoidant when making an agreement and said things just to soothe your partner without actually believing in it? Maybe you have an issue with impulse control that requires therapy? Did keeping secrets bring even more problems because you broke the trust twice? These all are common beginners’ mistakes and are quite treatable. Absence of problems is not what defines a healthy relationship, whereas the presence of good repairs is definitely part of it. Also, take a deep look into why you didn’t renegotiate the agreement instead of breaking it.
4. Decide: Is the situation repeating itself?
The key is to make a conscious choice to learn from the situation. If your agreements rarely lead to improvements, you’re either incompatible with your partner or one of you could need some extra psychological support.
As a thought experiment, consider if you want to spend your life with your partner or if it’s better to break-up and find someone whose presence makes issues less intense because they had less trauma and/or more growth in their life. Sometimes giving up on your own wishes is the best way to proceed because you realize you can’t have everything in one relationship that is otherwise actually extremely valuable to you. Turn to others or a therapist to process your grief if necessary.
